Past Tense, Future Perfect
by CarolineInMyMind
Summary: Imagined vignettes from the past interposed with the present ... and the future. Some are within the show's established narrative and some aren't. Stories will connect but may not necessarily build on each other in a coherent narrative. Initially planned as a one shot, but it seems to have a life of its own.
1. Chapter 1

The beginning of Autumn term was a riot of meetings - Board of Governors, teachers, parents of new students. It was only the first week back and Caroline was already tired. So a picnic lunch with Kate and Victoria on the school grounds was a welcome respite, even if they were interrupted by students who were both eager to meet the six month old and anxious to know when their languages teacher would return. "Summer term," Kate laughed at them. "Better swot up!"

Lunch over, Caroline walked them to the car, nuzzled Victoria as she strapped her into the baby seat, and gently kissed Kate's forehead. "See you at four o'clock."

"What's on for this afternoon?"

"New parents."

"Ah. Try not to scare them too much." Kate shut the car door and Caroline stood watching as she drove through the gates and out of sight. She sighed before turning around to head back into the school. Once in her office, she looked at the list of appointments Beverley had left for her. The last one on the list caught her eye, and she smiled ruefully. Such a common name.

* * *

The woman walked up the main stairwell, pausing underneath an enormous stained glass window to take in the school's mixture of formality and warmth. After his time in Canadian public schools, she wasn't sure how Fred would fit into the English system. But here they were; might as well try. Sulgrave Heath had an excellent reputation; the head teacher was known to have built a strong team and sent many students on to Oxbridge.

Well, of course she would; the head teacher came out of Oxford herself.

* * *

Beverley knocked at the door, and opened it upon hearing Caroline's reply. "Dr. Elliot, Dr. Jones is here. Fred Thomson-Jones' mother."

Caroline looked up to see a well-dressed woman of her own age. Same height; short light brown hair flecked with grey; cool green eyes. The woman moved easily towards her and put out a tanned hand. "Caroline," she said in a strangely flattened Welsh accent as she took the head teacher's hand in her own steady grip. "You haven't changed a bit."

* * *

In many ways, that was true, she thought. Same impressive bearing. Same blue eyes that could shift from ice to ...something completely different in a flash. Same expansive, expressive hands, cool to the touch. She released Caroline's right hand and glanced at her left; there it was on her ring finger, a filigree band of white and yellow gold studded with a number of small rubies. It was beautiful, but it shocked her to think that a chemistry post-grad and fledgling novelist could have afforded that. Though life was clearly different for Caroline now; judging by her vastly improved wardrobe, Head Teacher at Sulgrave was a lucrative gig. And perhaps John -was that his first name?- had done well. She didn't read a lot of fiction.

* * *

"Susan. I... " Caroline's voice trailed off and she sank down into her seat. Susan Jones was a common name; she hardly expected it to be the same Susan Jones. She had, after all, moved to Canada. "You ... I thought you were ... why ... oh, your son is ..."

"Same old Caroline. You either speak in fully composed paragraphs or ramble incoherently. How'd you ever become head teacher with those communication skills? _Use your words!_" Susan looked at her and laughed, eyes crinkling. "I see you're married. I heard, you know. Before I left for British Columbia, that you were still seeing that writer from Leeds who was up at Oxford the last term we were all there together." She said this breezily, then paused. "Do you have children?"

Caroline blushed slightly. "Yes, three." In an effort to remain calm -and speak in full sentences, if not paragraphs- she picked up her glasses and put them on. Laying her hands on the desk and crossing them, she turned towards Susan, took a breath and continued. "Two boys. Will is at Oxford and Lawrence is in Sixth Form here." She paused, and smiled at the thought of her youngest. "And there's Victoria, who's six months." Susan's eyes shot up. Caroline turned and reached towards a corner of her desk to pick up a framed photo. She handed it to Susan. "And yes, I'm married. Her name is Kate." Susan looked down at the picture: Caroline with her arms around a beautiful woman; two handsome, smiling young men, the younger one holding a tiny child in his arms.

"Oh." Susan sat back.

* * *

That was a shock. They had found each other as undergraduates. In the same college, neither of them used to the South and both of them facing challenges as young women in male-dominated disciplines, they were increasingly drawn to each other. And though in many respects they didn't know at all what they were doing, Susan thought now, they embarked on a gentle yet passionate relationship that lasted several terms. And then that last Easter Caroline went home to Sheffield. "I'm going to tell them," she told Susan as she kissed her and rolled out of bed to pack her bag for the train ride home.

When Caroline came back to Oxford, she was different. "I'm sorry," she said, over and over, as she picked up and packed the things she had left scattered around Susan's rooms. "I'm sorry. This isn't me. This can't be me."

Yet now, it was her. Susan exhaled slowly.

* * *

"Caroline." Susan's voice caught, just for a moment. "You have a beautiful family."

"I do." Caroline swallowed, hard. "It took me a long time, Susan, to figure this out." She paused, and looked across the desk. "I _am_ sorry. I don't know what our lives would have been like if I hadn't waited 25 years to be brave. To be me."

It wasn't as if she hadn't wondered. Or that she had forgotten what it was like. Often with John, her mind had gone back to Susan's garret rooms. And she thought with regret of stilted conversations as they tried to remain friends within their larger circle - but that could never work; they wanted to be lovers, not friends. And so as they moved on to graduate school, they saw less and less of each other except in passing, and only heard each other's news -Caroline's burgeoning relationship with John; Susan's post-doctoral appointment in biology on Canada's West Coast- from friends.

Caroline glanced at her watch and saw it moving rapidly towards 3:15. "Now, then. Fred. Tell me about Fred!"

* * *

Fred was 13. Another late-in-life child, now adjusting to life on the other side of the Atlantic, and life with one mother. Susan had never left British Columbia after her post-doc was finished. "I loved it there, so wild, so open. And there was Deborah."

Caroline waited.

"She died two years ago. Fred and I were both shattered, and all of a sudden I wanted to come home, to be home. I have an appointment at York. We've come to England every summer since Fred was born, and often at Christmas, so this isn't a foreign country to him. But school will be."

"Mmmmm. Then why Sulgrave? Why not something smaller ... less imposing?"

Susan, her chin tilted forward, looked Caroline in the eye. "Maybe I like a challenge."

Caroline had forgotten how direct Susan was. "But this isn't about you, is it? It's about Fred."

* * *

The Harrogate phone rang at 3:45.

"Kate, I'm sorry. I'm just about to pack up and leave."

"Victoria was late to nap anyway. She'll still be down when you get home. Is Lawrence at rugby till six?" Caroline could hear the unsaid words as Kate's voice trailed off. Her heart quickened.

"Kate, we need to talk about something. My past has just turned up again ..."

What on earth could John be up to now, thought Kate.

* * *

"Susan Jones? Your girlfriend from Oxford?" Kate laughed, and kissed Caroline's pale freckled shoulder.

"You don't get it, Kate - I think she's trying to get me back." Caroline enunciated every syllable in a loud whisper, her eyes went wide, and she lay in the bed with a shocked look on her face. She threw up her hands in frustration. "She found out I was head of Sulgrave Heath when she was researching schools for her son. I think that's why she chose it!"

"Good Lord, Caroline. You come out after 25 years and now you think you're God's gift to women!" Kate laughed and pulled Caroline into a closer embrace.

"Well ... "

"Good luck to her, is all I can say. She's your past, Caroline, your very distant past. I'm here now."

"Mmmm. You're my future. Perfect."


	2. Chapter 2

Kate woke from her light sleep, stared at the wall and sighed. More loudly than she intended, she realized, when she felt Caroline's arm come around her waist. "What's the matter?"

Kate rolled over to face Caroline. Even when she was barely awake, Caroline's blue eyes were piercing. Kate looked into them, put her hand to Caroline's cheek, and burst into tears. "Oh, Caroline. I'm so sorry for what I've done."

* * *

She woke that Monday morning, early in Autumn term, and resolved to get it over with as quickly and cleanly as possible. Caroline is the consummate professional, she told herself. It will be awkward, but she'll handle it as she would for any other teacher.

Except Kate wasn't any other teacher, and this wasn't going to be any other child.

* * *

"I don't know what you think you've done, but it can't be worth this. Tomorrow's a big day; we both need to rest." Victoria was 9 months old; they were well beyond the six month period in which Caroline had to "co-habit" with Kate and the baby in order to be assessed as an adoptive parent. Tomorrow was the first home visit from the social worker. Caroline pulled Kate closer and stroked her back.

Kate put her head against Caroline's chest and wept.

* * *

She stood at the door, asked to come in, and then immediately offered to come back later. Caroline beckoned her in and set her face towards her. Kate exhaled in a strange kind of relief. Something had finally shifted. There wouldn't be another apology; there wouldn't be another plea to try again; there wouldn't be tears. This was Caroline at her professional best. She launched in, looking up from her lap to see Caroline's response.

She wasn't at all prepared for what followed.

Caroline was clearly shaken. Kate watched her every move; Caroline nodded almost imperceptibly and swallowed hard. She seemed to be willing herself forward, willing herself to hear what Kate was saying. Those bright blue eyes were fixed on her. Kate wasn't sure she had ever seen Caroline's eyes -Caroline- so clearly.

Business concluded, Kate stood up and headed to the door. Caroline managed to offer congratulations. "Thanks. Thank you," Kate replied as she walked out the door, pausing first to take one look back.

* * *

"I broke your heart that day, Caroline. I absolutely broke it and then I just walked away."

What could Caroline possibly say to that?

* * *

Her hand rested lightly on the doorknob for just a moment, but it was long enough that she heard Caroline's sharp intake of breath and strangled effort to breathe.

She hadn't counted on this. All those times Caroline had tried to apologize, all those times over the last three months that she had asked for another chance, a chance to do it right, Kate was sure that Caroline was convinced there wouldn't be a baby. And now, it seemed, the baby didn't matter at all ... or rather, it did, but in a completely unexpected way.

* * *

"I watched you, you know," Kate whispered. "I watched every move you made, I saw every thought that crossed your mind the day I told you I was pregnant. I knew that you wanted this child. I knew that you blamed yourself for it not being our child. And I knew that you loved me."

Caroline pulled away, sat up, and looked at Kate. "But you left ... and then when I came to try one last time, you said no. Quite definitively." There was no anger in her voice, just confusion and sadness.

"Maybe this time I was the coward. Maybe I was selfish. All I know is, if I hadn't insisted on doing it my way, we could have both been Victoria's parents from the beginning. We would never have had to worry about Greg invoking parental rights. We wouldn't have had to undergo this bloody humiliating adoption process."

Caroline couldn't really argue with that. She looked down at her left hand, at the five small rubies studding her wedding ring. One for each of them in this family: Caroline, Kate, William, Laurence, and Victoria.

"Our past isn't perfect, Kate. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe our family is the result of a grand series of false steps and bad judgments. What f I hadn't left Susan and married John? We wouldn't have the boys. What if you hadn't been so stubborn? Would we even have a child? We certainly wouldn't have Victoria."

They looked at each other in silence.

"So it was worth it?" Kate reached up to pull Caroline back down towards her.

"Well, I wouldn't get carried away with that line of reasoning." They kissed slowly and fell back into a comfortable embrace.

"And I may require _several _apologies."


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes, like now, when Kate was making love to her, Caroline felt like she was in a completely different reality. She knew they were in their own bed, but she somehow floated on a completely different plane. She could feel Kate above her. Kate's mouth on her breast. One strong hand underneath her, holding her arched back while the other moved deftly, powerfully, and Caroline pushed herself against it, hard. She was either going to come, or dissolve into tears.

Even after all this time, she wasn't always sure how it would turn out.

* * *

" ... couple of embarrassed fumbles. It's just been a bit of an odd mess, really."

Caroline winced. She knew that wasn't true; in her mind she could see Kate sitting astride her in bed, moving her body in time to the rhythm of Caroline's hand, sweat beading on her forehead and pooling in the small of her back before she breathed out a sound Caroline had never heard before, and then collapsed on top of her.

She barely heard anything else Kate said, but just sat there stunned into silence. How could Kate be this close to her, this intimate, and not know what she put into every kiss, every touch, every vulnerable naked moment? That she didn't just do this. That it meant love? And trust? How could she belittle that with such cruel words?

But she did know, Caroline reasoned. Kate knew exactly what sex meant to Caroline. She was just striking with whatever would hurt the most.

And really, who could blame her?

By the time she figured this all out, Kate was long gone. There was nothing to do but go home.

She pulled into the drive, and walked up the steps, her brash and confident words to John just a few weeks back ringing in her head: "I want them here. Where I can have them. Whenever I want them."

That had worked out well, hadn't it?

* * *

"Caroline," spoken softly, gently.

Eyes shut, she pushed towards Kate again.

"Caroline, open your eyes. Look at me." Kate slowed her hand, relaxed her grip on Caroline's back.

Caroline felt herself coming back to reality as Kate came into focus before her, leaning over and kissing her gently.

"You're too far away, Caroline. Come back." Kate started to move her hand again; she pulled Caroline more tightly against her.

Caroline wrapped her arms around Kate, moved against her once more time, and gasped before relaxing onto the bed.

Eyes wide open, no tears.


	4. Chapter 4

"Kate said the drollest thing – that she – that you and she – might have a baby. I said, 'what?' I mean, 'how?'" Caroline's imitation of Celia's response to Kate's accidental revelation almost 2 years earlier was dead-on.

Kate, sitting on the couch with Victoria dozing in her arms, laughed out loud at her partner's facility for mimicry.

"I'm just glad you didn't take that story to its actual conclusion," Celia huffed. "I'd hate to think of what might have transpired if that social worker knew that you'd intended to talk Kate out of it."

"Blimey. It was bad enough as it was."

* * *

"So, you were in a relationship for..." the social worker scanned the application. "... about two months, and you decided to have a child together?" She looked up.

"Well, it's more that we were discussing it at that point," Caroline said, crisply. "There was a lot to discuss."

"Mm hmm. And then the relationship ended. And you, Kate, became pregnant."

"That's right." Kate fidgeted with her hands before laying one over the other on the table.

"By a male friend, with no, umm, medical intervention."

Kate looked anxiously across the dining room table at Caroline. They both nodded.

"AFTER your relationship with Caroline had ended," the social worker reiterated. "Then some months later, you had this scare around miscarriage, which seems to have been a tipping point. You came back together, had the child ... Victoria ... whom Caroline now wishes to adopt."

"Exactly. Which brings us here." Caroline smiled, trying to move the conversation forward.

"Bit like Coronation Street, innit?" the social worker laughed before taking a sip of tea.

* * *

"Who the bloody hell does she think she is? My mother?" Caroline was furious. "I'm not sure I've ever heard so much implied judgment in a 30 minute conversation."

"No, _you_ usually provide the judgement." Kate countered. They had stepped out for some fresh air while the social worker had what she called a "brief chat" with Lawrence.

"God knows what Lawrence will say." Caroline scowled and kicked at the gravel with her boot.

"I've a pretty good idea." Kate bounced Victoria in her arms and walked towards the garden benches.

* * *

"How do you feel, Lawrence?" The question hung in the air.

Lawrence answered confidently. "I'd like to have my family together," he said. "I'd like my sister to be my sister. My father's daughter, she's my sister, no questions asked. Victoria is Kate's and Mum's daughter. She should be my sister too, no questions asked."

"Your father's daughter?" The social worker flipped through her sheets; this was not in the family profile. She made a note.

"What's your Mum like, Lawrence? She's gone through a lot in the last while - separation, divorce, a new relationship, another separation, a new baby. Remarriage ..." It really did sound like a soap opera, she thought. "How's she been as a Mum through all that? How's all that been for you?"

Lawrence took a deep breath.

* * *

"I'm sorry I said you were boring. And I'm sorry I was so awful to Kate. Is that why you fell out? Is it my fault?" Lawrence let Caroline hold his hand and rub her thumb over it, a small act that had reassured and comforted them both since he was little. "She was so kind to me last night. She didn't have to be. I asked her why you split up and she told me it was because you wanted different things ... and she told me she's having a baby. But I know there's more to it than that. I was an arse. I'm sorry, Mum."

"To be honest, I don't think you helped sometimes." Caroline sighed. "But we didn't fall out because of you. Or because Kate and I wanted different things. We could have worked all of that out. She just didn't want to tell you that it was all because of me."

Lawrence looked at her quizzically. "You?"

Caroline looked at her youngest son and laughed sadly. "Oh, Lawrence, you nailed it on the head one day when we arrived at school. Without repeating some of your more colourful language, you accused me of being a hypocrite. You were right. You should have added 'coward' too. I want what Kate wants. I want to be with her, I want this baby, I want us to be a family - but I was too much of a coward for that to ever happen now."

"You're not a coward, Mum. You stuck to your guns on Dad."

"You weren't always that happy about that, Lawrence. And if I stick to my guns on Kate, how are you going to feel about that? How are you going to feel if I don't care anymore that everyone knows? If I don't hide?"

"I can't really tell you to stop being a hypocrite, and then not accept it when you're not, can I?" Caroline looked at him. She really ought to give him more credit.

"Anyway, as long as you don't snog your faces off in public, I can probably handle it." That was more the Lawrence she was used to. "You have to go talk to her, Mum. You have to try and get her back, and if she says no, you have to keep trying. You have to be brave."

* * *

"My Mum was miserable with my Dad. And she was miserable without Kate. But she was still always my Mum. The night she went off with Gillian and we couldn't find her, the night she lost her phone, and I went missing ..." The social worker raised her eyebrows and Lawrence realized he was going down the wrong path. "The night my dad buggered off leaving me in his alcoholic girlfriend's hellhole apartment and Kate looked after me? That was the worst night of my life, and who do you think picked it up and put it all back together? Who could I count on? Mum. And Kate, too. I think we were already a family after that. It just took quite a while for us to realize it."

The social worker looked at him curiously, and the hint of a smile crossed her face.


	5. Chapter 5

Parents' night. She really found them quite tiresome, but with all the changes this year, it seemed more important than it had previously. She walked into the classroom.

Something in this teacher's warm, intelligent face seemed slightly familiar, yet also fragmentary - like a quick glimpse of a photograph you never saw again. Then, hands on the desk as she stood up. There it was, on the third finger of her left hand. Impossible to miss - a white and yellow gold filigree band with rubies.

"Dr. Jones, welcome. I'm Kate McKenzie, Fred's languages teacher." Kate extended her hand.

Susan knew Fred would have a new teacher this term, but she wasn't prepared for this.

* * *

Visits finished, Kate gathered her notes into her satchel, pulled on her long grey cardigan, and headed purposely down the hall. It felt good to be back. She opened the outer door of the principal's office, walked through, and straight into Caroline's office without knocking. How different that was. Marriage had its privileges, she thought with a laugh.

"I can see why you fell for her."

Caroline looked up, blushing. "So you met Susan."

"She's quite ... attractive. Strong hands." Kate couldn't help but smirk.

"Yes, well. She spent a lot of time in boats."

"And your point is?"

"Her area was freshwater biology. So she had a lot of sampling to do. Went out in a little rowboat. It's hard work, rowing. Makes your hands ... strong. She used to go up to the Lake District. She asked me to come with her a few times, and I did ..." Caroline's voice trailed off.

"Oh, I bet you did."

* * *

"Fred's got quite a facility for languages. His German is coming along; he just needs more practice in real situations - one of the exchange trips might be a good idea. His French is fantastic, even though it's quite different from European French. You know, I never really realized how different Canadian French is! Not just accent, but vocabulary, and even enunciation. It's fascinating ..." Why was she prattling on like this?

"I think you'd find the differences greater still if we had lived in Quebec rather than BC," Susan offered. She was struck by this woman's quiet beauty. And from what Fred had been saying, she was smart and engaging as well. No wonder Caroline had married her. "Fred seems with happy with you. Seems like a good match. Funny thing, though."

"What's that?" Kate's small, inquisitive frown signalled concern.

"Funny he never told me that his languages teacher was married to the head teacher. Well, I'm assuming the students know you're married to Caroline. I assume she's changed a bit in that regard. And I'm assuming you know who I am. Funny thing too that Caroline never told me you'd be teaching Fred."

There was a slight challenge in her tone of voice, and more than that in her steady gaze.

* * *

Night settled over Harrogate as they drove home, hands loosely entwined over the front seat console in Caroline's Jeep. As was her habit, Kate toyed with Caroline's wedding ring, gently rolling it around her finger.

"You know, we should have made that ring a bit tighter. I wouldn't want it to come loose one day and roll away."

Caroline took her eyes off the road for a moment and looked at her partner.

"What on earth did she say to you?"

* * *

Kate was taken aback. "Is that a problem? I'm sure, if it is, that Caroline can arrange to have Fred transferred to Mr. Dobson."

Caroline, wanting to make sure Fred had as easy a transition to English schools as possible, had purposely kept him out of Michael's classes. Consequently, he was in Kate's class when she returned in the summer term.

"Teacher assignments aren't generally a matter of parental consent. Unless there's been a previous issue, of course."

"And you wouldn't say there's a previous issue here?" Susan asked.

"I wouldn't have thought so. No."

"Perhaps, then, it's more of a present issue." There was a short silence, and Susan rose out of her chair. "But no, I don't see any need to move Fred. As I said, seems like a good match."

* * *

Lawrence had settled Victoria in so well that she didn't even stir as Caroline and Kate stepped into the nursery to kiss her goodnight. "Good work, big brother," Kate whispered.

"Yeah, right, next time I'm charging."

Kate came to bed a few minutes after Caroline, and curled herself around her back. They lay in companionable silence.

"Did you love her?"

"I was 19, Kate! 19, or 20. What does love mean at that age?"

"What did it mean at 16 for Alan and your Mum?"

"Okay. Okay, I loved her." Caroline spoke gently, and pulled Kate's arm more tightly around her.

"Very much?"

"I suppose at the time I imagined we would be together a lot longer than we were."

"Except for your mother."

"Except for me not standing up to my mother. But that ended up alright, didn't it?" Caroline stroked Kate's hand, trying to soothe her spirit.

Kate would not be moved. "I think you were right a few months ago; I think she** is** trying to get you back."

"Let her try," Caroline replied, rolling over and pulling Kate on top of her. She rested her hands on Kate's hips. "I'd like you to make love to me now," she whispered.

As Kate leaned down to kiss her, Caroline took hold of her hand and moved it into place.

"And for the record," she whispered in Kate's ear, "I much prefer the lithe hands of a pianist."


	6. Chapter 6

She came into the office, shut the door behind her, and walked purposefully towards her partner, taking her face in her hands and kissing her deeply. Then she deftly turned her around against the door, and kissed her over and over again while running her hands underneath her thin silk blouse. She pulled back, breathing raggedly, and then leaned forward to whisper "I want to f ... you."

"Wouldn't that be technically difficult?" Caroline asked her, and they dissolved into laughter before packing up for the day and heading home.

* * *

Caroline moved efficiently around the kitchen, cooking supper while Lawrence set the table. Kate sat on the loveseat having her regular "check-in," as she called it, with Victoria.

"More like a mutual admiration society, if you ask me," Caroline sniffed.

"Jealous, Mum?" Lawrence teased.

"Incredibly. That child is besotted with her Mum. Whereas my middle child was a cantankerous little sod when I wanted to cuddle with him." Caroline smiled affectionately at him and turned back to the stove.

"I was wondering," Kate mused. "I was wondering if we should have Susan and Fred Jones over for dinner some time."

Caroline looked startled.

"That Canadian kid?" Lawrence asked. "He's come to practice a few times. Not bad for a colonial." One of Sulgrave's best rugby players, Lawrence was also assisting with the junior team. "Why would you have them over? You always said you couldn't socialize with the parents."

Kate brought Victoria into the kitchen and stood beside Caroline. "I bet she used to say that about the teachers too, and just look at how that's turned out!"

"Oh, I don't know Kate ... Lawrence is right ... We can't really be having select parents over for drinks..."

"For goodness sake, Caroline, Susan Jones isn't just anyone. She's ..." Remembering Lawrence, Kate stopped short.

"She's what?" Lawrence looked up from the dining room.

"An ... old friend," Caroline said, curtly. "From Oxford."

"Ha! I didn't know you had any friends. Bring it on! Let's find out all about the wild young Ma!" Lawrence headed into the lounge until dinner was ready.

Caroline leaned over to kiss Victoria on the forehead, all the while giving Kate a withering look.

* * *

"There's something I have to tell you, sweetheart. " Caroline and Lawrence were clearing up the kitchen while Kate gave Victoria her bath.

"About you and Kate being in a row? I was hoping I had reached the end of my parents fighting with each other."

Caroline looked at him in amazement; she would never have guessed that he considered Kate one of his parents.

"Lawrence, I'm sorry for the way your father and I behaved in the last years of our marriage. I'm sorry for all the yelling, and throwing things. I'm sorry for how our misery affected you, and that we couldn't look beyond ourselves to see that. But we loved you, you know, both of us always loved you, even when we were at our most idiotic and ill-behaved. And yes, I guess Kate and I are in a bit of a fight right now but believe me, it's nothing like me and your Dad. It won't ever be like that."

* * *

Dinner had been quieter than usual. She had agreed to Kate's plan to invite Susan and Fred in the coming weeks, but a tension had remained in the air. Instead of the three remaining at the table to talk a but as they usually did, Kate took Victoria up for an early bath, leaving Caroline and Lawrence to their own devices. Now that she thought back on it, she could see how uncomfortable it had made him.

"I was angry at Kate because of this dinner party idea," Caroline explained. "Because she was teasing me about it. And because of who Susan Jones is."

"You mean you didn't get on with her? She wasn't really a friend after all, and Kate doesn't know that? So just tell her. You don't have to have her to dinner. Kate would understand that."

Caroline took a deep breath. Why did every serious conversation with Lawrence have to begin so awkwardly? She could count them off - from puberty to her coming out to him while he, fearful for her, sobbed in her arms.

"She wasn't _just_ a friend, Lawrence. I was in love with her, and we were together. It didn't end very well. I didn't behave very well."

"So you were always gay? You were gay when you married Dad and had me and Will?" He seemed genuinely curious.

"I don't know. I know I loved her, and certain things made me believe that was wrong -"

Lawrence interrupted her. "Certain things like Granny?"

Once again, she was stunned by Lawrence's ability to cut to the root of the matter. "Granny didn't approve then any more than she did when I started seeing Kate. But the real problem was me. You know that, Lawrence."

Lawrence nodded, and looked at his mother to continue.

"Anyway, I haven't seen or heard from her in 25 years, but now she's back in England, and her son's in my school. And Kate's class. And your rugby team!" Caroline laughed at the absurdity of it. "And it seems your _step-mother,"_ -Caroline raised her eyebrows at Lawrence as she said this- "... your step-mother thinks we should fully embrace the past and move on. Like adults."

"My step-mother might be onto something."

"You're alright with this? You're alright with me having had a relationship with someone other than your Dad, and Kate?"

"Most normal people date more than 3 people in their lives, Mum. I'm glad it didn't last, though. Or you wouldn't have had me."

"Oh, sweetheart, I think I'd always have had you." Caroline pulled her youngest son into her arms and held him tight as she kissed the top of his head.

* * *

They finished clearing up, and Lawrence headed off to his room.

Caroline walked around shutting off lights and locking doors. She could hear Kate singing to their daughter in the nursery, her voice soft and pure. She headed upstairs, her heart settled but a determined bounce in her step.

"Kate," she called out softly as she rounded the corner and looked in on her and Victoria "Hadn't we best get on to that matter we discussed in my office earlier?"


	7. Chapter 7

Kate came down the stairs and turned into the kitchen.

"Well, she's asleep now. We can go re - " She stopped short as she saw Caroline quickly step away from the counter, pulling her hand out from under Susan's. Her face was bright red.

"What's going on here?"

* * *

"What's going on here, Kate? What's going on with us?" Caroline's voice was craggy in the early light of Christmas morning. She lay curled against Kate's back, having barely moved since they fell asleep a couple of hours before. She reached across Kate's middle for her hand, and held it loosely.

"We have to have a proper conversation, Caroline. But not right now." Kate moved Caroline's hand down between her legs. She shifted in the bed as Caroline stroked her gently, gradually. Caroline shifted onto her back; Kate followed, and Caroline's left arm coming round her to caress her breast. She pressed her mouth against the back of Kate's neck and her movements became more insistent, less and less gentle. Kate met her pace, thrusting up against her hand until finally she let out a long, low moan, and collapsed back against the warmth of Caroline's body. She struggled to breathe.

"Are you alright?"

Kate didn't answer.

* * *

In the end, it was just the three of them - Caroline, Kate, and Susan - for dinner. "I suppose that's better. If it gets ... awkward," Caroline had reasoned. "I'd rather not have Lawrence feeling awkward."

"Poor Lawrence has certainly had his share of awkward when it comes to us," Kate laughed. "But I think he's come out the other end of it. Here you go." She handed Caroline a gin and tonic. "To calm your nerves."

"And do you suppose that she told Fred what the situation is? That would be weird for him, I think." Caroline took a sip. "That's good."

She leaned over to kiss Kate just as the doorbell rang.

* * *

There was a brisk knock at the door. "Room service."

Caroline opened the door and signed the bill as the waiter laid a tray of breakfast on the table. Closing the door after him, she called out to Kate that it had arrived, and then sat down to pour two cups of tea.

Kate emerged from the bathroom, hair wet and wrapped in the hotel bathrobe. She leaned down to kiss Caroline's forehead before accepting her cup of tea. "Time to talk?"

"I can only hope it goes better than the last time we were here."

* * *

"The last time I had dinner with you, it wasn't quite this elaborate." Susan watched Caroline serve out the carbonara.

"Probably pot noodles. You think we would have known better than to eat that." Caroline made a face.

"I think we did; we just didn't have the money to eat any better. Mmmm, this is delicious. You're much better at Italian than you were at whatever pot noodles are."

Kate listened to the banter between them, slightly awkward but familiar at the same time. She watched as Caroline visibly relaxed in Susan's company.

This wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

"You asked me if this is forever. I've always felt like I was the one asking that question, and now all of a sudden it's all on me. I'm not used to that," Kate said softly. "I'm not used to having any power in this relationship. You've never asked me to be in a relationship with you before. "

"I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

Kate couldn't help herself. "When you were trying to save your house."

"That wasn't a lie, that wasn't a trick." Caroline's voice rose, and tears pricked at the back her eyes; she could feel this rapidly going somewhere neither of them wanted it to go. She breathed. "I know that it felt like it was. But I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She gathered all the courage she could muster. "And I don't think you would let me make love to you just now like you did - you wouldn't have let yourself go with such abandon - if you didn't feel the same way."

Caroline's face was flushed as she looked across the table. "So I'd say you have some power in this relationship. I'm just wondering how you're going to use it."

* * *

Conversation around the table flowed as easily as the wine. Susan was regaling Kate with a tale of what Caroline called her 'misspent youth' when they heard Victoria's soft cry come down the stairs.

"I really don't need to relive this any more," she said as Kate clapped a hand over mouth to contain her laughter. "I'll go check on the baby." Truth be told, as nice as the evening had turned out to be, she'd welcome a respite and a chance to soothe her daughter back to sleep.

"No, no, I'll go. She probably wants to be fed, and she'll do it more quickly from the breast. I'll be back in a minute, and we can have dessert." Kate took Caroline's hand in hers and kissed it as she left the table.

Susan watched the small moment of intimacy play out. "Caroline. Why don't I help you clear?"

* * *

"I don't know yet, Caroline. I know I want to try again. I'd like to tell you yes, absolutely, this is forever. But I'm not sure I can just yet."

"You don't trust me." It wasn't accusatory, just a statement of fact. "You don't feel safe with me."

Kate was silent for a long time. "It's not quite that. I didn't trust you for a long time. I wanted to, that day you brought me flowers, and asked one more time ... that day after you left I actually sat on the couch and willed myself to trust you not to hurt me again, but I couldn't. And so I just kind of shut you out for the next 3 months. And you went into professional mode, and that helped. But it also hurt, and I wasn't prepared for that. And then that day before holidays you came to be with me at the hospital ..."

"I just wanted to help, Kate."

"Now you are lying. You didn't want to help. I mean you did, that was clear. You came because you couldn't help yourself. You came because -"

Caroline finished her sentence: "I love you."

* * *

Susan handed plates across the counter to Caroline, who loaded them in the dishwasher. "Kate's lovely."

"I might not be the most adept at relationships, but I do have good taste." Caroline replied. "Well, as far as women go, anyway." She rolled her eyes.

"Caroline ..." Susan's voice was soft. "You know, I came back to England with an agenda beyond my position at York. I did want to find you. I wanted to know what had become of you; I thought maybe I could ... change your mind."

She reached out her hand.

* * *

"That didn't change your mind, though."

"No. But I was looking at you yesterday when Celia and Alan were saying their vows ..."

Caroline looked quizzically at her. "You were not; I know because I was looking at _you_. And anyway, if you were, it obviously didn't take, because you left."

"Oh Caroline, I was willing you to ask me to stay. One word from you, and I would have. But all you did was lip off and let me walk out the door. How do you think that made me feel?"

Silence.

"But all the way home, all I could see was your face. I realized that when I said no, when I let go of your hand, when I walked away last night, all those times I hurt you as much as you had hurt me. I'm done hurting you. I thought, one more try. Kind of like with the baby, I suppose. One final kick at it before I give up forever."

"And I passed your test?"

"Yes. You did. I think we've got a lot more to figure out before we know if this is forever. But I trust you, Caroline. I trust you with my heart, and with my body."

* * *

Susan's hand was strong and warm on top of Caroline's. "I loved Deborah with all my heart, but I never forgot you."

"My God. I can't believe you would come into our home and try this. I can't believe I thought we could be friends." Caroline's face was bright red; she quickly stepped away from the counter, pulling her hand out from under Susan's.

"Well, she's asleep now. We can go re- ... What's going on here?" Kate appeared in the doorway.

Susan lifted her hands into the air. "Nothing, actually."

"It didn't look like 'nothing' to me. Caroline?"

"It sure as bloody hell didn't feel like 'nothing'" Caroline's voice was pure ice. She Put an arm out towards Kate, who walked into her embrace.

"And I don't suppose I meant it to be nothing. But the fact of the matter is, it is. I don't stand a chance here."

* * *

"I would never do that to you Kate. You know that, right?" She moved slowly, feeling Kate's fingers slip in and out of her.

"I do. I trust you with my heart and with my body, remember?" She sat up straighter to take Caroline's breast in her mouth, pulling and teasing it with her teeth.

"I would do this to you though. This that you're doing to me right now." Caroline looked into Kate's eyes and moved in time to Kate's strong measured strokes, her breath getting more and more ragged.

"All in good time, Caroline. All in good time." She wrapped her arm around Caroline's waist and held her tight.

* * *

**I think that's it, folks. Thanks for reading!**


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